THE PUSH
There are five doors. The first is unmarked. The second is marked A-G, the third marked H-N, the fourth is marked O-U, and the fifth is marked V-Z. Two desks face one another. On one desk, a computer and a gigantic book. On the other, several stacks of files and loose paper. AGENT ONE sits at the first desk, dressed professionally, with glasses. AGENT TWO sits at the other desk, also dressed professionally, but more disheveled in appearance. AGENT TWO is reading through a file as AGENT ONE peers over his glasses at him.
AGENT ONE
Is that…that…there, is that the, uh, Jensen file?
AGENT TWO
This file? This one right here?
AGENT ONE
Yeah, that one. Is it?
AGENT TWO
I don’t know. Maybe. Which Jensen are you talking about?
AGENT ONE
You know which Jensen I mean. The one that gets the push.
AGENT TWO
Because you know there are like, six million Jensens. Here’s a Jensen. There’s a Jensen. This Jensen’s forty-eight years old. This one will be conceived in (looks at watch) twelve minutes. So which Jensen?
AGENT ONE
The one that gets the push. (consults the gigantic book.) Faye Jensen. Is that the file for Faye Jensen?
AGENT TWO
Oh, FAYE Jensen. Hmm. Let me look. (looks) Yup, it’s a Faye Jensen. But is it the right one? There are 8379 Faye Jensens.
AGENT ONE
Stop being difficult. Is that the Faye Jensen that is due to be born in (looks at watch) eleven minutes?
AGENT TWO
I’m not being difficult.
AGENT ONE
Yes you are! You know what I’m asking you, but you’re skirting the issue. Just focus.
AGENT TWO
You focus.
AGENT ONE
I am focused.
AGENT TWO
What time is it?
AGENT ONE
(looks at watch) Ten minutes before Faye Jensen is born without a push.
AGENT TWO
We can’t have that, now can we?
AGENT ONE
No we can’t. So is that Faye Jensen’s file or not?
AGENT TWO
What’s the verification code?
AGENT ONE
(Consulting gigantic book) 8B44SLD-I9-
AGENT TWO
Wait, I forgot to listen from the beginning.
AGENT ONE
Just tell me if that’s the file!
AGENT TWO
What’s the code? We have to be sure, right? I mean, we can’t push someone already born right?
AGENT ONE
No, we can’t. It’s bad when that happens.
AGENT TWO
Yes it is. And we DEFINITELY can’t push somebody who’s already dead and gone. That’s even worse.
AGENT ONE
Yes, I know. Even worse.
AGENT TWO
All right then. What is the code?
AGENT ONE
Ready?
AGENT TWO
Lay it on me.
AGENT ONE
8B44SLD-I9-P34.
AGENT TWO
Did you say “8B44SLD-I9-P34”?
AGENT ONE
Yes.
AGENT TWO
Then guess what.
AGENT ONE
What?
AGENT TWO
I said guess.
AGENT ONE
Come on!
AGENT TWO
Yes, it’s the file. Out of the million Jensens, and the thousand Faye Jensens, this one file is the file you seek.
AGENT ONE
Thank the stars. Now please, we have (looks at watch) six minutes to push her.
AGENT TWO
Have you ever thought about how awful it would be to be someone who was supposed to be pushed, but then wasn’t? Like, they’d walk around, living their little average lives, never knowing they were meant for something…bigger?
AGENT ONE
Please just give me the push code.
AGENT TWO
You never wondered?
AGENT ONE
No. Never. They don’t know. Why would they even expect something was supposed to be different?
AGENT TWO
I don’t know, what if they just had a feeling, like deep in their stupid brains, that they were somehow…cheated?
AGENT ONE
Then they’d probably develop drug addictions or something, I don’t know. We only have a few minutes left, what’s the push code? (places his hands on keyboard)
AGENT TWO
(looks in file, seconds pass) But what if they knew? Could they change? Like, correct their trajectories, mid-shot?
AGENT ONE
(exasperated sigh) No. You’re either pushed or not pushed. There is no changing it AB. And if you don’t tell me the push code for Faye Jensen, she’ll never know either. So please, for the love of order, just tell. Me. The. Code. Please. (looks at watch)
AGENT TWO
You need to think about these things once and awhile. Do you know what my code is? Or yours? I’ve always wondered.
AGENT ONE
Yes, it’s in the “DO NOT PUSH” chapter of the book. Can you tell me the code now? Please?
AGENT TWO
(looks in file.) Are you ready?
AGENT ONE
Yes!
AGENT TWO
No need to get snippy. Okay. Here goes. 3.
(AGENT ONE presses a key)
R.
(AGENT ONE presses a key)
T.
AGENT ONE
(pressing key) A little faster please?
AGENT TWO
6TGO-394-FO43-P
(AGENT ONE scrambles to input code. He presses the last key. A sound blips.)
AGENT ONE
Thank you.
AGENT TWO
That’s why I’m here.
AGENT ONE
We have another.
AGENT TWO
Surprise.
AGENT ONE
I need you to find the file for last name Takahashi, given name Kaito.
AGENT TWO
And…where would that be?
AGENT ONE
Well, for starters, you could try looking under T.
AGENT TWO
You know I hate it when I have to go into the file rooms. (gets up.)
AGENT ONE
Life is so hard.
AGENT TWO
I wish you weren’t so cynical. We’ve only been down here for 648 years and change.
AGENT ONE
And each year is better than the last.
(AGENT TWO exits through the door under “O-U” AGENT ONE flips through the gigantic book. After a few seconds pass, a phone rings. AGENT ONE answers.)
AGENT ONE
Department of Exceptional Determinism.
(-)
No sir. We input the code with several seconds to spare.
(-)
I agree. We shouldn’t cut it so close. But we had…difficulty locating the file…
(-)
He’s retrieving the file for the next push.
(-)
No, please sir. That’s not necessary.
(-)
We have everything under control. The Sphinx is not necessary. Just…
(-)
Understood.
(AGENT ONE hangs up the phone as AGENT TWO returns with a stack of files.)
AGENT TWO
All of these are Takahashi, Kaito.
AGENT ONE
We need to do this quickly.
AGENT TWO
(looks at watch) We have like, fifteen minutes. What’s the hurry?
AGENT ONE
Don’t argue. Find this verification code: RR3-
AGENT TWO
-Stop! I’m not ready!
AGENT ONE
Well get ready.
AGENT TWO
(setting all the files on the table and getting a pencil) Okay, geez. Ready.
AGENT ONE
RR32FQQ-V2-T88. Got it?
AGENT TWO
Yup.
AGENT ONE
Okay, give me some of those files so I can help search.
AGENT TWO
What? You never help search. What’s going on?
AGENT ONE
I’m just trying to help. Now hand some over.
(AGENT TWO grabs half the stack and slips, sending the entire stack scattering all over the stage.)
AGENT TWO
Uh oh.
AGENT ONE
What did you do?!
AGENT TWO
Just calm down okay?
(AGENT ONE scrambles from his chair and grabs random files, cross-referencing them against the verification code. AGENT TWO watches.)
AGENT TWO
Something is going on here.
AGENT ONE
Are you going to help?!
AGENT TWO
Not until you tell me why you’re so worked up about this. So what if we miss one stupid push.
AGENT ONE
So what?! The Sphinx, that’s what!
AGENT TWO
What about the Sphinx?
AGENT ONE
If we miss a push, they’re sending the Sphinx. Here.
(AGENT TWO jumps down to search for the file.)
AGENT TWO
Why didn’t you just say that from the beginning?
AGENT ONE
Just find the file. (looks at watch) We’re running out of time.
(They scramble to find the file for several seconds.)
AGENT TWO
(lifting a file above his head in triumph) I found it! I have it!
AGENT ONE
Fantastic! (jumps up to the computer) What’s the push code?
(AGENT TWO does not speak. AGENT ONE looks up down at him.)
AGENT ONE
The code! Tell me the code.
AGENT TWO
You know what?
AGENT ONE
Please don’t do this again. Not this time. Just tell me.
AGENT TWO
No.
AGENT ONE
But the Sphinx!
AGENT TWO
I don’t care about the Sphinx. This isn’t fair. Why do we push stupid people all day long, every day? What do we get?
AGENT ONE
I’ll be happy to discuss all this after you GIVE ME THE CODE!
AGENT TWO
Where’s my push?
AGENT ONE
You know it doesn’t work that way. If you aren’t in the book, you don’t get a push.
AGENT TWO
Forget the book! Haven’t you wondered what’s it’s like, just being better than everything? Exceptional?
AGENT ONE
Give me the code. Now.
AGENT TWO
No.
(AGENT ONE attacks AGENT TWO. They struggle over the folder. After a battle, AGENT ONE rips the folder from the hands of AGENT TWO and rushes back to the computer.)
AGENT TWO
You’re pathetic.
AGENT ONE
(imputing the code) Just stop. (the computer blips.)
(several seconds of silence pass. AGENT TWO begins to pick up all the files. The phone rings. AGENT ONE answers.)
AGENT ONE
Department of Exceptional Determinism.
(-)
No si-
(-)
But we imp-
(-)
No, ple-
(AGENT ONE listens for a few seconds then hangs up.)
AGENT ONE
Well, now you’ve damned us both.
AGENT TWO
I’m not afraid of the Sphinx.
AGENT ONE
Well I am. I’m only 352 years to retirement.
AGENT TWO
And what were you going to do then, hm? Lay about on The Beach, constantly checking your watch? Wondering where the right file is? Worrying about verification codes until you die?
AGENT ONE
Why can’t you take this seriously? We’re probably going to be reassigned. He might even just kill us.
AGENT TWO
He’s not going to kill us. Stop being a baby.
AGENT ONE
I heard once he tore off Agent Seventeen’s arms and ate them.
AGENT TWO
That’s nothing. I heard he shrunk himself to the size of a pencil, jumped down Agent Forty-Nine’s throat, then grew himself back to normal size.
AGENT ONE
I heard he lives on a diet of hearts.
AGENT TWO
I heard he’s made entirely from nightmares.
AGENT ONE
(laughing, getting on the floor to help clean files) What if he eats us?
AGENT TWO
Well, I can’t imagine that would be a satisfying meal.
AGENT ONE
There’s nothing to drink down here. He’ll be thirsty. I hope he brings a water bottle or something.
AGENT TWO
He probably won’t eat us. Just smash us into bits or something.
AGENT ONE
Oh well.
(The light above the unmarked door turns red. AGENTS ONE and TWO stop cleaning up files and look at each other, then look at the door as the stand. The door opens and the SPHINX enters, smiling.)
SPHINX
You two are in trouble.
AGENT ONE
Sir, it’s wonderful to finally meet you.
SPHINX
Please. No one is happy to meet me.
AGENT TWO
I sure am. You’re famous.
SPHINX
Boys, you flatter me.
AGENT TWO
And may I add your tie is absolutely lovely.
SPHINX
Stop it, I’m positively blushing.
AGENT ONE
How can we help you, sir?
SPHINX
Well, I heard, through the grapes’ vines, that a job that is very important is not getting done to the satisfaction of the people that care about this sort of thing.
AGENT TWO
Now who told you something like that?
SPHINX
This slanderous piece of chirping reached my hear-holes from the usual songbirds.
(AGENT TWO looks at AGENT ONE, who shrugs subtly.)
Now do I understand correctly the gossip these chirps contain?
AGENT ONE
I’m not sure, sir. I think we have everything under control down here. (To AGENT TWO) Don’t you think so?
AGENT TWO
I’d say so.
SPHINX
I see! Well, it then seems I’ve made a bother of myself, if it is true you boys hadn’t had even the slightest lick of turbulence.
AGENT TWO
It’s true. Definitely not having any problems here.
AGENT ONE
No problems at all.
SPHINX
So that precarious column of manilla here, this is ordinary business as usual?
AGENT TWO
Yup, just being proactive, going through several folders at once, gotta be on top of things.
SPHINX
Of course, of course. And the general disarray under which these files suffer, this is simply proactivity?
AGENT ONE
Yes sir. Things get hectic down here. A pusher’s job is never done.
AGENT TWO
There’s always a file to do.
SPHINX
Haven’t you got another? Don’t let me keep you from your duties. Pretend like I’m not even here. I’m a ghost.
AGENT ONE
Of course. (returns to his desk and consults the gigantic book.) Agent Two, please locate the file for Alasad, Muhammad, Verification Code IL00-FR4F33.
AGENT TWO
(with a flourish) It would be my pleasure. (he exits through the door marked H-N)
AGENT ONE
So, sir…um…how are you today?
SPHINX
I’m a ghost.
AGENT ONE
Oh, yes. Right. You aren’t here.
SPHINX
I’m going to kill your associate, you are aware of this intention, yes?
AGENT ONE
What? No! I’m not aware. I’m not aware at all. And may I add, sir, that I vehemently oppose that decision and urge you to reconsider.
SPHINX
Why?
AGENT ONE
His death would be…bad.
SPHINX
“His death would be bad?” Even if I intended to second-guess the penultimate in decision-makers, balk at my duties, which I suppose is commonplace down here, even if I would be willing to overlook my most base of occupational responsibilities, your opening rhetorical volley is “His death would be bad?”
AGENT ONE
It’d be really bad.
SPHINX
Please. You embarrass yourself. Don’t worry. They who control these matters understand your role in this farce is that of the foil. Your job will remain yours until you retire, barring further folly. And then to the Beach with you. You would like that, yes? The Beach?
AGENT ONE
It’s what I live for, sir.
SPHINX
You don’t live to perform your duties?
AGENT ONE
Oh, yes, of course, that too.
SPHINX
So if you have no further objections, I will destroy Agent Two after your next push. And then…hmm…are you hungry? Should I order pizza? What sort of toppings do you prefer? I’m a man of classic tastes myself, simply pepperoni for me. But I can certainly abide if you have more exotic tastes. For toppings. On the pizza.
AGENT ONE
Pepperoni is fine.
SPHINX
Wonderful.
(AGENT TWO returns with the file. He sits at his desk, going extra lengths to seem proper and professional. He looks at AGENT ONE, who looks away, sullen.)
AGENT TWO
Got the file. How much time do we have?
AGENT ONE
Not nearly enough.
AGENT TWO
That can’t be right. I didn’t take that long to find the file, did I?
AGENT ONE
You’re a good partner, you know.
AGENT TWO
Thanks…? I like you too, buddy.
AGENT ONE
(looking at watch) The push is scheduled for four minutes.
AGENT TWO
Then I should tell you the push code, right? No time like the present.
AGENT ONE
Right. The code. Whenever you’re ready.
AGENT TWO
I’m ready.
SPHINX
Please, carry on. Is this banter absolutely necessary? I’m hungry.
AGENT ONE
Of course. Sorry sir.
AGENT TWO
5GR-I22JK.
AGENT ONE
Okay. Thank you.
AGENT TWO
You’re very welcome.
(AGENT ONE flips to the very back of the gigantic book. He types a code into the computer. A buzzer sounds.)
SPHINX
What’s that? What’d you do?
AGENT TWO
I’ve never heard that noise before. Did you type the wrong code with your sausage fingers?
AGENT ONE
I must have…I don’t…
AGENT TWO
(holding his head) Ugh, make it stop. I feel like my skull is exploding.
SPHINX
If you are trying to subvert my intention with some misplaced heroics, I’m not going to share my pizza with you AT ALL.
AGENT TWO
(Doubled over in pain.) Ahhh…you were getting pizza without me…? Ugh…
AGENT ONE
It’ll be okay. It’ll all be okay…
(The lights drop. The stage is dark. End of ACT I)
ACT II
Lights rise. THE SPHINX and AGENT ONE sit in chairs. A pizza box is on a desk, open. AGENT TWO lies motionless on the stage, blood pooled around his head.
SPHINX
Have you finished your incident report?
AGENT ONE
Yes, it’s right here. (hands it to him.)
SPHINX
You got grease stains on it. This is in no way official in appearances. Please transcribe it on a non-slob piece of documentation.
AGENT ONE
Oh, sorry. (He takes the report back and begins transcribing, while reading aloud.) “Agent One entered the push code contained in the file labeled Alasad, Muhommed, and due to inexplicable circumstances-
SPHINX
“Inexplicable circumstances”. I like that. Very concise, yet vague. Very nice. What’s next?
AGENT ONE
“-due to inexplicable circumstances, the warming alarm sounded. This caused Agent Two considerable pain, which in turn caused him to lose consciousness then die.”
SPHINX
That’s it? Just… “then die?”
AGENT ONE
Well that’s what happened. I think.
SPHINX
You can’t brighten it up more?
AGENT ONE
What do you suggest?
SPHINX
How about “clutched his noggin with panicked fervor, bellowing in torment, pleading with the gods and stars to end his suffering, and as the light faded from his eyes, he slipped away, his life melting into death.”
AGENT ONE
I suppose that will do.
SPHINX
But I don’t want to tell you what to write. That’s wrong. It’s your report. You have to fill it out.
AGENT ONE
But you dictated it to me.
SPHINX
I’m merely suggesting what words one should use.
AGENT ONE
You suggested every word. In particular order.
SPHINX
Shut up. I bought you pizza. We’re friends.
AGENT ONE
Tell me what really happened.
SPHINX
I don’t know what really happened.
AGENT ONE
How could he just die?
SPHINX
Maybe his brain finally had enough.
AGENT ONE
You were going to kill him anyway, you probably used psychic powers, or mind bullets, or something.
SPHINX
Don’t be ridiculous.
AGENT ONE
Can I ask you a question?
SPHINX
Certainly.
AGENT ONE
Do you know what happens if we push someone who is already born?
SPHINX
For what reason do you ask, I wonder?
AGENT ONE
No reason.
SPHINX
Just from the ether you find this curiosity, and it propels your mouth open and forms the words of that question?
AGENT ONE
Sure.
SPHINX
Well I do not in fact know what happens when an already born person is pushed. I don’t know this because it doesn’t happen, because it is against the rules, and you would never break the rules, correct?
AGENT ONE
Correct. Of course. Like I said, just curious.
(AGENT TWO sits up with a start. He looks curiously around the room.)
SPHINX
Oh dear.
AGENT ONE
Oh!
SPHINX
So much for the incident report.
AGENT ONE
(standing up) You…you’re alive?
AGENT TWO
Apparently.
SPHINX
You aren’t supposed to be. Does no one do what they are supposed to down here?
AGENT ONE
How do you feel?
AGENT TWO
I feel…awesome.
SPHINX
Agent One, can I please trouble you for the Push Manifest? More specifically, the most recent push? Namely, one Alasad, Muhammad?
AGENT TWO
No. You may not see the manifest.
SPHINX
I wasn’t asking you. Go back to being dead.
AGENT TWO
No.
AGENT ONE
I had to.
AGENT TWO
I know. I owe you.
SPHINX
Conspiracy!
AGENT TWO
I’m getting up now, Mr. Sphinx. And after I get up, I’m going to walk over to you, and when I get to you, I’m going to gouge out your eyes with my thumbs. And after I do that, I’m going to see if there is any left over pizza, because I’m hungry. Being dead for…how long?
AGENT ONE
A few hours.
AGENT TWO
Being dead for a few hours makes a person very hungry. So. Ready?
SPHINX
You wouldn’t dare.
AGENT TWO
(getting up.) I’m getting up.
AGENT ONE
Are you sure this is the optimal course of action?
AGENT TWO
You have no idea how sure I am. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.
SPHINX
What if I just tell you there’s definitely pizza left? Like, cut out all that middle part and go straight for delicious pepperoni pizza?
AGENT TWO
Killing you is pretty much equal to pizza eating on my list of things to do.
SPHINX
Are you aware, Agent Two, that as the Sphinx, I cannot actually die?
AGENT TWO
(approaching the SPHINX) Oh? And why’s that?
SPHINX
I told have time for that. I can’t just lie around on the floor like some dead people around here. I am very busy. Thus, I cannot die.
AGENT TWO
I think (adjusting the folds on the SPHINX’s coat) you can die. You just don’t want to. It’s not that bad, really. It brings a hell of a lot of clarity, to be honest. I can see everything like I never could before. Do you know what that’s like?
SPHINX
I can’t say that I do.
AGENT TWO
Of course not. It’s like, I’m exceptional now, you know?
SPHINX
I know. I know.
AGENT ONE
But what’s it like?
AGENT TWO
(turns his head toward AGENT ONE) It’s…like having another pair of eyes. (in a lightning quick motion, he tears at the face of the SPHINX. The SPHINX screams and grabs his face, and drops to his knees. AGENT TWO holds up the eyes of the SPHINX for a moment, then puts them in his pocket.)
AGENT ONE
Oh my.
(The SPHINX rolls around in pain for several seconds, then lies motionless.)
AGENT TWO
So…is there pizza left?
AGENT ONE
Uh, yes. A few slices. You tore the eyes out of his skull. That happened. Right?
AGENT TWO
Yup.
AGENT ONE
Now what?
AGENT TWO
We should have another push coming up, yeah? I mean, there’s always another push.
AGENT ONE
So, you come back to life, tear out the eyes of another person, eat pizza, and back to business?
AGENT TWO
(grabbing a slice) What else is there?
AGENT ONE
But, you’ve been pushed. Shouldn’t you, I don’t know, use that?
AGENT TWO
I’m not a superhero. I’m just better than you. Even pushed people have day jobs. So let’s do our day job.
AGENT ONE
But what’s it like?
AGENT TWO
It’s like living like it’s Saturday when it’s really Tuesday.
AGENT ONE
That doesn’t make sense.
AGENT TWO
Who’s next?
(Both AGENTS sit at their respective desks. AGENT ONE consults the gigantic book.) Please locate the file for Aasen, Mattias.
AGENT TWO
You got it, partner. (he exits through the door marked A-G)
(AGENT ONE sits quietly, flipping pages of the gigantic book.)
SPHINX
I can hear you, Agent One.
AGENT ONE
(startled) Does anyone ever just die and stay that way?
SPHINX
I told you I cannot die.
AGENT ONE
I thought that was like an imperative, not like, fact.
SPHINX
Don’t be stupid.
AGENT ONE
Sorry.
SPHINX
Tell me why.
AGENT ONE
Why what?
SPHINX
You know why what. Why did you disobey? Why did you push him?
AGENT ONE
I couldn’t just let you kill him.
SPHINX
Why not? It’s not like I was going to kill you. And now I have to kill both of you.
AGENT ONE
And how are you going to do that? You don’t have any eyes.
SPHINX
I don’t need eyes. (struggles to get up and fails) Help me up.
AGENT ONE
No! You just told me you’re going to kill me. I’m not going anywhere near you.
SPHINX
What if I promised not to kill you until I get to my feet?
AGENT ONE
No way. Just lie there and bleed to death.
SPHINX
I’m going to kill you. You should be nicer to me.
AGENT ONE
Give it up.
(AGENT TWO returns with the file.)
AGENT TWO
Got it.
AGENT ONE
Wonderful. Read back the verification code.
AGENT TWO
L3F3-MCID-99FI.
AGENT ONE
Good. That’s the one. Push code?
AGENT TWO
R3SD2-FIR3-5593.
(AGENT ONE types it into the computer and presses enter. A noise blips.)
AGENT ONE
Done and done. We have (looks at watch) several hours before the next push. Oh, by the way, the Sphinx is not dead.
SPHINX
Shut up! I am too dead.
AGENT TWO
I know he’s not dead. He can’t die.
SPHINX
I told you.
AGENT ONE
Are you just going to leave him there?
AGENT TWO
Probably.
SPHINX
Can someone come help me up? I have to…go home?
AGENT ONE
No you don’t. You’ll try to kill us.
AGENT TWO
Really?
SPHINX
Nuh-uh. Promise. Cross my heart.
AGENT TWO
You need to just shut up and stop talking.
(the phone rings. AGENTS ONE and TWO exchange glances. The SPHINX laughs then coughs.)
SPHINX
You gonna get that?
AGENT ONE
I’m not answering that.
AGENT TWO
(leans over the desk and picks up the phone)
Office of…pushing. How may I help you?
(-)
Huh? Maybe you’re supposed to be dead. Ever think of that?
(-)
I’m just saying it’s not nice to say things like that.
(-)
Stop being mean.
(-)
The Sphinx is right here. He had pizza.
(-)
Yeah, pizza. You know, dough, sauce, cheese.
(-)
He can’t really talk on the phone right now. I tore his eyes out.
(-)
Yes, both of them.
(-)
You got it. Bye.
(AGENT TWO hangs up the phone and leans back. AGENT ONE is staring at him.)
AGENT TWO
What?
AGENT ONE
What did you just do? What did he say?
AGENT TWO
He’s mad.
AGENT ONE
I gathered that.
AGENT TWO
He told me we’re both dead men and I should kill you then kill myself.
AGENT ONE
Well, that’s just dumb. Right?
SPHINX
Do it!
AGENT TWO
I’m not going to do that. But we probably can’t stay here.
SPHINX
I’ll find you where ever you go.
AGENT TWO
Pretty sure you don’t have any eyes so shut up.
AGENT ONE
Where can we go? Where else is there?
AGENT TWO
The Beach.
(The SPHINX laughs)
AGENT ONE
The Beach? Impossible.
AGENT TWO
Why?
AGENT ONE
Only retired agents are allowed in. They’d kill us at the gate.
AGENT TWO
Well, let’s retire then.
AGENT ONE
We can’t just retire. We have 300 years still.
AGENT TWO
You have a computer. Just fudge the numbers.
AGENT ONE
That computer is capable of pushing and pushing only. It can’t access employee records.
AGENT TWO
Well that’s just dumb.
SPHINX
You’ll never make it out of here alive, either of you. I’ll flay you and wear your skin as a summer hat.
AGENT TWO
Maybe you should make eye-patches instead.
AGENT ONE
We need a plan.
AGENT TWO
I have a plan.
(AGENT TWO approaches the SPHINX.)
AGENT TWO
Gimme your ID card.
SPHINX
I don’t have one.
AGENT TWO
Yes you do. If you cooperate, maybe we can be friends. Don’t you want to be friends?
SPHINX
I already have friends.
AGENT TWO
No you don’t, you’re kinda a dick. Now give me your ID card.
SPHINX
I really wish you’d stop bullying me.
(AGENT TWO searches the SPHINX for the ID card. He finds it in a pocket.)
AGENT TWO
Ah, here we are. (He reads the card) Your real name is Robert?
SPHINX
Don’t tell anyone, all right?
AGENT ONE
(laughing) Robert is much less intimidating than The Sphinx.
AGENT TWO
So, Bobby. I’m gonna use your card to access employee records. I’m gonna change our statuses to retired, then we’re gonna go to The Beach. And once we’re in, they can’t make us leave. Any objections?
SPHINX
There’s no part of that plan that involves me killing you both.
AGENT TWO
That’s true. It’s not an oversight, believe me.
AGENT ONE
This isn’t going to work. Is it?
AGENT TWO
Why not? It’s my plan, I came up with it, and I’m pushed, so it has to work, right?
AGENT ONE
I suppose so.
AGENT TWO
(sitting in front of the computer, typing) See? Already working.
AGENT ONE
(Looking at the screen) You have access to our records?
AGENT TWO
Yup.
SPHINX
Listen guys, I know we haven’t exactly seen eye to eye-
(AGENTS ONE and TWO both laugh hard)
-Oh, ha, pun. I get it. Clever. But seriously, we can come to some sort of arrangement, right? Let me kill one of you. Just one. That’s a 50% discount from the previous rate.
AGENT TWO
I think we’ll still pass on that offer, thanks, though.
SPHINX
Fine. I tried. (he finds his gun inside his shoe and points it in a random direction.) Hey, can you do me a favor and just say something?
AGENT ONE
Like what?
SPHINX
(honing in on the sound of the voice with his gun) Anything. Just keep talking.
AGENT ONE
Well, I can tell you I’m really excited to go to The Beach. I live for the thought of relaxing for the first time in…well, in a really long time. I mean-
(The SPHINX fires, hitting AGENT ONE in the back. He slumps over, dead.)
SPHINX
Did I get him?
AGENT TWO
(Horrified) You, wha…you shot-
(The SPHINX begins shooting in the direction of AGENT TWO’s voice. He ducks behind the desk.)
SPHINX
Where’d you go?
AGENT TWO
I’m hiding behind a desk.
SPHINX
Well, stop it. Come over here so I can shoot you.
AGENT TWO
I’m going to strangle you to death.
SPHINX
I can’t die! How many times do I have to tell you that? (he struggles to his feet)
AGENT TWO
Well, bear with me as I try my hardest, okay?
SPHINX
It’s an exercise in futility, son. (begins to stumble toward the voice)
(AGENT TWO creeps out from behind the desk as the SPHINX stumbles around the other side. AGENT TWO, keeping the desk between them, quietly approaches the computer and the gigantic book.)
SPHINX
Oh, I get it. Giving me the silent treatment, hmm? Being a baby about this won’t help anybody.
(AGENT TWO, with one eye on the SPHINX, flips to the back of the gigantic book. He runs his finger down the page, then on to the next page, until he finds what he seeks.)
SPHINX
You know, I was like you once. A simple agent, just riding a desk, crunching numbers, pushing pencils, you know, the cliches we all say. I was that. Can’t say I miss it. I find my talents are much more suited for killing.
(AGENT TWO gingerly enters the first key into the computer. It makes a faint click. The SPHINX tilts his head in the direction of the computer. AGENT TWO freezes.)
SPHINX
Is that you? I heard something. What are you doing? Are you trying to escape? Stop being so elusive.
(AGENT TWO searches the desk with his eyes. He finds AGENT ONE’s glasses. He takes a breath, double checks the gigantic book, then throws the glasses to the other side of the room. The SPHINX wheels around and unloads into the wall. AGENT TWO hurriedly inputs the code into the computer.)
AGENT TWO
You’re an idiot, you know that?
(The SPHINX turns and tries to shoot, but is empty. He laughs.)
SPHINX
Did you count my bullets with your newfound genius powers?
AGENT TWO
Anybody can count bullets. Doesn’t take a genius. I did however just push Agent One.
SPHINX
You did what now?
AGENT TWO
So what happens when you push a corpse?
(The buzzing alarm begins again. AGENT TWO types a few keys and the alarm stops.)
SPHINX
You’re such a fool, boy. Now we’re all damned.
AGENT TWO
Oh, stop being a princess. I mean, it can’t be that bad, right? What’s the worst that can happen?
SPHINX
What do you think will happen? (He throws his gun toward AGENT TWO and misses.)
AGENT TWO
Now you’re just being childish.
(The phone rings. The SPHINX stumbles over to it and answers it.)
SPHINX
Uh…hello?
(-)
Yes, it’s me.
(-)
No, everything’s under control.
(-)
One’s dead. The other’s about to be, he just doesn’t know it yet. (AGENT TWO snickers.)
(-)
Yes sir.
(He hangs up.)
AGENT TWO
Well?
SPHINX
Well what?
AGENT TWO
Are you in trouble?
SPHINX
I’m to be killed for my failure.
AGENT TWO
Bummer.
(AGENT ONE groans. AGENT TWO flinches in surprise.)
AGENT ONE
I feel like I was shot in the back.
SPHINX
Go figure.
AGENT TWO
Look at you, all alive and stuff.
(AGENT ONE looks at his hands, then at the SPHINX, then at AGENT TWO.)
SPHINX
You’re an abomination.
AGENT ONE
Well, you’re a jerk.
AGENT TWO
Do you feel different?
AGENT ONE
I do. It’s like, a brightness. A clarity. (To the SPHINX) How are you still here?
SPHINX
I’m not finished with my duties. Unlike some people here, I value my job.
AGENT TWO
Don’t let him lie to you. He’s gonna be executed for failing to murder us.
AGENT ONE
Technically, he didn’t fail. We just apparently don’t stay murdered.
AGENT TWO
True. (thinks for a moment) I have an idea. (he types furiously, then consults the gigantic book)
SPHINX
Now what are you doing?
AGENT ONE
Are we still going to The Beach?
AGENT TWO
I’m retiring you. (a few keystrokes) There. You’re retired. Congratulations. Now me. (more keystrokes)
SPHINX
Your stupid plan will never work. They’ll catch you before you get there.
AGENT TWO
Well, it beats staying here, right? (typing) There. I’m retired. I have to say, I was expecting more fanfare. Maybe a cake or something.
AGENT ONE
Let’s go. Imagine what we can do, both of us, pushed, with the rest of eternity to explore our abilities.
AGENT TWO
Hold on. One more thing. (typing) There. Guess what Bobby. You’re retired too. On behalf of the Company, I want to thank you for your service in the murder industry.
SPHINX
I…wha? You retired me? Why?
AGENT TWO
So you can come too.
SPHINX
But why?
AGENT ONE
Forgiveness.
AGENT TWO
I don’t expect you to understand. You not being exceptional and all. But really, it’s the best possible outcome. So you coming?
SPHINX
I don’t know what to say.
AGENT ONE
Just say nothing and move those feet.
(They all stand to leave.)
AGENT TWO
Oh! Almost forgot. (digs in his pocket) You might want these back. (hands the SPHINX his eyeballs back.)
(They all exit through the unmarked door. The phone rings.)
