THE PUSH

There are five doors. The first is unmarked. The second is marked A-G, the third marked H-N, the fourth is marked O-U, and the fifth is marked V-Z. Two desks face one another. On one desk, a computer and a gigantic book. On the other, several stacks of files and loose paper. AGENT ONE sits at the first desk, dressed professionally, with glasses. AGENT TWO sits at the other desk, also dressed professionally, but more disheveled in appearance. AGENT TWO is reading through a file as AGENT ONE peers over his glasses at him.

AGENT ONE

Is that…that…there, is that the, uh, Jensen file?

AGENT TWO

This file? This one right here?

AGENT ONE

Yeah, that one. Is it?

AGENT TWO

I don’t know. Maybe. Which Jensen are you talking about?

AGENT ONE

You know which Jensen I mean. The one that gets the push.

AGENT TWO

Because you know there are like, six million Jensens. Here’s a Jensen. There’s a Jensen. This Jensen’s forty-eight years old. This one will be conceived in (looks at watch) twelve minutes. So which Jensen?

AGENT ONE

The one that gets the push. (consults the gigantic book.) Faye Jensen. Is that the file for Faye Jensen?

AGENT TWO

Oh, FAYE Jensen. Hmm. Let me look. (looks) Yup, it’s a Faye Jensen. But is it the right one? There are 8379 Faye Jensens.

AGENT ONE

Stop being difficult. Is that the Faye Jensen that is due to be born in (looks at watch) eleven minutes?

AGENT TWO

I’m not being difficult.

AGENT ONE

Yes you are! You know what I’m asking you, but you’re skirting the issue. Just focus.

AGENT TWO

You focus.

AGENT ONE

I am focused.

AGENT TWO

What time is it?

AGENT ONE

(looks at watch) Ten minutes before Faye Jensen is born without a push.

AGENT TWO

We can’t have that, now can we?

AGENT ONE

No we can’t. So is that Faye Jensen’s file or not?

AGENT TWO

What’s the verification code?

AGENT ONE

(Consulting gigantic book) 8B44SLD-I9-

AGENT TWO

Wait, I forgot to listen from the beginning.

AGENT ONE

Just tell me if that’s the file!

AGENT TWO

What’s the code? We have to be sure, right? I mean, we can’t push someone already born right?

AGENT ONE

No, we can’t. It’s bad when that happens.

AGENT TWO

Yes it is. And we DEFINITELY can’t push somebody who’s already dead and gone. That’s even worse.

AGENT ONE

Yes, I know. Even worse.

AGENT TWO

All right then. What is the code?

AGENT ONE

Ready?

AGENT TWO

Lay it on me.

AGENT ONE

8B44SLD-I9-P34.

AGENT TWO

Did you say “8B44SLD-I9-P34”?

AGENT ONE

Yes.

AGENT TWO

Then guess what.

AGENT ONE

What?

AGENT TWO

I said guess.

AGENT ONE

Come on!

AGENT TWO

Yes, it’s the file. Out of the million Jensens, and the thousand Faye Jensens, this one file is the file you seek.

AGENT ONE

Thank the stars. Now please, we have (looks at watch) six minutes to push her.

AGENT TWO

Have you ever thought about how awful it would be to be someone who was supposed to be pushed, but then wasn’t? Like, they’d walk around, living their little average lives, never knowing they were meant for something…bigger?

AGENT ONE

Please just give me the push code.

AGENT TWO

You never wondered?

AGENT ONE

No. Never. They don’t know. Why would they even expect something was supposed to be different?

AGENT TWO

I don’t know, what if they just had a feeling, like deep in their stupid brains, that they were somehow…cheated?

AGENT ONE

Then they’d probably develop drug addictions or something, I don’t know. We only have a few minutes left, what’s the push code? (places his hands on keyboard)

AGENT TWO

(looks in file, seconds pass) But what if they knew? Could they change? Like, correct their trajectories, mid-shot?

AGENT ONE

(exasperated sigh) No. You’re either pushed or not pushed. There is no changing it AB. And if you don’t tell me the push code for Faye Jensen, she’ll never know either. So please, for the love of order, just tell. Me. The. Code. Please. (looks at watch)

AGENT TWO

You need to think about these things once and awhile. Do you know what my code is? Or yours? I’ve always wondered.

AGENT ONE

Yes, it’s in the “DO NOT PUSH” chapter of the book. Can you tell me the code now? Please?

AGENT TWO

(looks in file.) Are you ready?

AGENT ONE

Yes!

AGENT TWO

No need to get snippy. Okay. Here goes. 3.

(AGENT ONE presses a key)

R.

(AGENT ONE presses a key)

T.

AGENT ONE

(pressing key) A little faster please?

AGENT TWO

6TGO-394-FO43-P

(AGENT ONE scrambles to input code. He presses the last key. A sound blips.)

AGENT ONE

Thank you.

AGENT TWO

That’s why I’m here.

AGENT ONE

We have another.

AGENT TWO

Surprise.

AGENT ONE

I need you to find the file for last name Takahashi, given name Kaito.

AGENT TWO

And…where would that be?

AGENT ONE

Well, for starters, you could try looking under T.

AGENT TWO

You know I hate it when I have to go into the file rooms. (gets up.)

AGENT ONE

Life is so hard.

AGENT TWO

I wish you weren’t so cynical. We’ve only been down here for 648 years and change.

AGENT ONE

And each year is better than the last.

(AGENT TWO exits through the door under “O-U” AGENT ONE flips through the gigantic book. After a few seconds pass, a phone rings. AGENT ONE answers.)

AGENT ONE

Department of Exceptional Determinism.

(-)

No sir. We input the code with several seconds to spare.

(-)

I agree. We shouldn’t cut it so close. But we had…difficulty locating the file…

(-)

He’s retrieving the file for the next push.

(-)

No, please sir. That’s not necessary.

(-)

We have everything under control. The Sphinx is not necessary. Just…

(-)

Understood.

(AGENT ONE hangs up the phone as AGENT TWO returns with a stack of files.)

AGENT TWO

All of these are Takahashi, Kaito.

AGENT ONE

We need to do this quickly.

AGENT TWO

(looks at watch) We have like, fifteen minutes. What’s the hurry?

AGENT ONE

Don’t argue. Find this verification code: RR3-

AGENT TWO

-Stop! I’m not ready!

AGENT ONE

Well get ready.

AGENT TWO

(setting all the files on the table and getting a pencil) Okay, geez. Ready.

AGENT ONE

RR32FQQ-V2-T88. Got it?

AGENT TWO

Yup.

AGENT ONE

Okay, give me some of those files so I can help search.

AGENT TWO

What? You never help search. What’s going on?

AGENT ONE

I’m just trying to help. Now hand some over.

(AGENT TWO grabs half the stack and slips, sending the entire stack scattering all over the stage.)

AGENT TWO

Uh oh.

AGENT ONE

What did you do?!

AGENT TWO

Just calm down okay?

(AGENT ONE scrambles from his chair and grabs random files, cross-referencing them against the verification code. AGENT TWO watches.)

AGENT TWO

Something is going on here.

AGENT ONE

Are you going to help?!

AGENT TWO

Not until you tell me why you’re so worked up about this. So what if we miss one stupid push.

AGENT ONE

So what?! The Sphinx, that’s what!

AGENT TWO

What about the Sphinx?

AGENT ONE

If we miss a push, they’re sending the Sphinx. Here.

(AGENT TWO jumps down to search for the file.)

AGENT TWO

Why didn’t you just say that from the beginning?

AGENT ONE

Just find the file. (looks at watch) We’re running out of time.

(They scramble to find the file for several seconds.)

AGENT TWO

(lifting a file above his head in triumph) I found it! I have it!

AGENT ONE

Fantastic! (jumps up to the computer) What’s the push code?

(AGENT TWO does not speak. AGENT ONE looks up down at him.)

AGENT ONE

The code! Tell me the code.

AGENT TWO

You know what?

AGENT ONE

Please don’t do this again. Not this time. Just tell me.

AGENT TWO

No.

AGENT ONE

But the Sphinx!

AGENT TWO

I don’t care about the Sphinx. This isn’t fair. Why do we push stupid people all day long, every day? What do we get?

AGENT ONE

I’ll be happy to discuss all this after you GIVE ME THE CODE!

AGENT TWO

Where’s my push?

AGENT ONE

You know it doesn’t work that way. If you aren’t in the book, you don’t get a push.

AGENT TWO

Forget the book! Haven’t you wondered what’s it’s like, just being better than everything? Exceptional?

AGENT ONE

Give me the code. Now.

AGENT TWO

No.

(AGENT ONE attacks AGENT TWO. They struggle over the folder. After a battle, AGENT ONE rips the folder from the hands of AGENT TWO and rushes back to the computer.)

AGENT TWO

You’re pathetic.

AGENT ONE

(imputing the code) Just stop. (the computer blips.)

(several seconds of silence pass. AGENT TWO begins to pick up all the files. The phone rings. AGENT ONE answers.)

AGENT ONE

Department of Exceptional Determinism.

(-)

No si-

(-)

But we imp-

(-)

No, ple-

(AGENT ONE listens for a few seconds then hangs up.)

AGENT ONE

Well, now you’ve damned us both.

AGENT TWO

I’m not afraid of the Sphinx.

AGENT ONE

Well I am. I’m only 352 years to retirement.

AGENT TWO

And what were you going to do then, hm? Lay about on The Beach, constantly checking your watch? Wondering where the right file is? Worrying about verification codes until you die?

AGENT ONE

Why can’t you take this seriously? We’re probably going to be reassigned. He might even just kill us.

AGENT TWO

He’s not going to kill us. Stop being a baby.

AGENT ONE

I heard once he tore off Agent Seventeen’s arms and ate them.

AGENT TWO

That’s nothing. I heard he shrunk himself to the size of a pencil, jumped down Agent Forty-Nine’s throat, then grew himself back to normal size.

AGENT ONE

I heard he lives on a diet of hearts.

AGENT TWO

I heard he’s made entirely from nightmares.

AGENT ONE

(laughing, getting on the floor to help clean files) What if he eats us?

AGENT TWO

Well, I can’t imagine that would be a satisfying meal.

AGENT ONE

There’s nothing to drink down here. He’ll be thirsty. I hope he brings a water bottle or something.

AGENT TWO

He probably won’t eat us. Just smash us into bits or something.

AGENT ONE

Oh well.

(The light above the unmarked door turns red. AGENTS ONE and TWO stop cleaning up files and look at each other, then look at the door as the stand. The door opens and the SPHINX enters, smiling.)

SPHINX

You two are in trouble.

AGENT ONE

Sir, it’s wonderful to finally meet you.

SPHINX

Please. No one is happy to meet me.

AGENT TWO

I sure am. You’re famous.

SPHINX

Boys, you flatter me.

AGENT TWO

And may I add your tie is absolutely lovely.

SPHINX

Stop it, I’m positively blushing.

AGENT ONE

How can we help you, sir?

SPHINX

Well, I heard, through the grapes’ vines, that a job that is very important is not getting done to the satisfaction of the people that care about this sort of thing.

AGENT TWO

Now who told you something like that?

SPHINX

This slanderous piece of chirping reached my hear-holes from the usual songbirds.

(AGENT TWO looks at AGENT ONE, who shrugs subtly.)

Now do I understand correctly the gossip these chirps contain?

AGENT ONE

I’m not sure, sir. I think we have everything under control down here. (To AGENT TWO) Don’t you think so?

AGENT TWO

I’d say so.

SPHINX

I see! Well, it then seems I’ve made a bother of myself, if it is true you boys hadn’t had even the slightest lick of turbulence.

AGENT TWO

It’s true. Definitely not having any problems here.

AGENT ONE

No problems at all.

SPHINX

So that precarious column of manilla here, this is ordinary business as usual?

AGENT TWO

Yup, just being proactive, going through several folders at once, gotta be on top of things.

SPHINX

Of course, of course. And the general disarray under which these files suffer, this is simply proactivity?

AGENT ONE

Yes sir. Things get hectic down here. A pusher’s job is never done.

AGENT TWO

There’s always a file to do.

SPHINX

Haven’t you got another? Don’t let me keep you from your duties. Pretend like I’m not even here. I’m a ghost.

AGENT ONE

Of course. (returns to his desk and consults the gigantic book.) Agent Two, please locate the file for Alasad, Muhammad, Verification Code IL00-FR4F33.

AGENT TWO

(with a flourish) It would be my pleasure. (he exits through the door marked H-N)

AGENT ONE

So, sir…um…how are you today?

SPHINX

I’m a ghost.

AGENT ONE

Oh, yes. Right. You aren’t here.

SPHINX

I’m going to kill your associate, you are aware of this intention, yes?

AGENT ONE

What? No! I’m not aware. I’m not aware at all. And may I add, sir, that I vehemently oppose that decision and urge you to reconsider.

SPHINX

Why?

AGENT ONE

His death would be…bad.

SPHINX

“His death would be bad?” Even if I intended to second-guess the penultimate in decision-makers, balk at my duties, which I suppose is commonplace down here, even if I would be willing to overlook my most base of occupational responsibilities, your opening rhetorical volley is “His death would be bad?”

AGENT ONE

It’d be really bad.

SPHINX

Please. You embarrass yourself. Don’t worry. They who control these matters understand your role in this farce is that of the foil. Your job will remain yours until you retire, barring further folly. And then to the Beach with you. You would like that, yes? The Beach?

AGENT ONE

It’s what I live for, sir.

SPHINX

You don’t live to perform your duties?

AGENT ONE

Oh, yes, of course, that too.

SPHINX

So if you have no further objections, I will destroy Agent Two after your next push. And then…hmm…are you hungry? Should I order pizza? What sort of toppings do you prefer? I’m a man of classic tastes myself, simply pepperoni for me. But I can certainly abide if you have more exotic tastes. For toppings. On the pizza.

AGENT ONE

Pepperoni is fine.

SPHINX

Wonderful.

(AGENT TWO returns with the file. He sits at his desk, going extra lengths to seem proper and professional. He looks at AGENT ONE, who looks away, sullen.)

AGENT TWO

Got the file. How much time do we have?

AGENT ONE

Not nearly enough.

AGENT TWO

That can’t be right. I didn’t take that long to find the file, did I?

AGENT ONE

You’re a good partner, you know.

AGENT TWO

Thanks…? I like you too, buddy.

AGENT ONE

(looking at watch) The push is scheduled for four minutes.

AGENT TWO

Then I should tell you the push code, right? No time like the present.

AGENT ONE

Right. The code. Whenever you’re ready.

AGENT TWO

I’m ready.

SPHINX

Please, carry on. Is this banter absolutely necessary? I’m hungry.

AGENT ONE

Of course. Sorry sir.

AGENT TWO

5GR-I22JK.

AGENT ONE

Okay. Thank you.

AGENT TWO

You’re very welcome.

(AGENT ONE flips to the very back of the gigantic book. He types a code into the computer. A buzzer sounds.)

SPHINX

What’s that? What’d you do?

AGENT TWO

I’ve never heard that noise before. Did you type the wrong code with your sausage fingers?

AGENT ONE

I must have…I don’t…

AGENT TWO

(holding his head) Ugh, make it stop. I feel like my skull is exploding.

SPHINX

If you are trying to subvert my intention with some misplaced heroics, I’m not going to share my pizza with you AT ALL.

AGENT TWO

(Doubled over in pain.) Ahhh…you were getting pizza without me…? Ugh…

AGENT ONE

It’ll be okay. It’ll all be okay…

(The lights drop. The stage is dark. End of ACT I)

ACT II

Lights rise. THE SPHINX and AGENT ONE sit in chairs. A pizza box is on a desk, open. AGENT TWO lies motionless on the stage, blood pooled around his head.

SPHINX

Have you finished your incident report?

AGENT ONE

Yes, it’s right here. (hands it to him.)

SPHINX

You got grease stains on it. This is in no way official in appearances. Please transcribe it on a non-slob piece of documentation.

AGENT ONE

Oh, sorry. (He takes the report back and begins transcribing, while reading aloud.) “Agent One entered the push code contained in the file labeled Alasad, Muhommed, and due to inexplicable circumstances-

SPHINX

“Inexplicable circumstances”. I like that. Very concise, yet vague. Very nice. What’s next?

AGENT ONE

“-due to inexplicable circumstances, the warming alarm sounded. This caused Agent Two considerable pain, which in turn caused him to lose consciousness then die.”

SPHINX

That’s it? Just… “then die?”

AGENT ONE

Well that’s what happened. I think.

SPHINX

You can’t brighten it up more?

AGENT ONE

What do you suggest?

SPHINX

How about “clutched his noggin with panicked fervor, bellowing in torment, pleading with the gods and stars to end his suffering, and as the light faded from his eyes, he slipped away, his life melting into death.”

AGENT ONE

I suppose that will do.

SPHINX

But I don’t want to tell you what to write. That’s wrong. It’s your report. You have to fill it out.

AGENT ONE

But you dictated it to me.

SPHINX

I’m merely suggesting what words one should use.

AGENT ONE

You suggested every word. In particular order.

SPHINX

Shut up. I bought you pizza. We’re friends.

AGENT ONE

Tell me what really happened.

SPHINX

I don’t know what really happened.

AGENT ONE

How could he just die?

SPHINX

Maybe his brain finally had enough.

AGENT ONE

You were going to kill him anyway, you probably used psychic powers, or mind bullets, or something.

SPHINX

Don’t be ridiculous.

AGENT ONE

Can I ask you a question?

SPHINX

Certainly.

AGENT ONE

Do you know what happens if we push someone who is already born?

SPHINX

For what reason do you ask, I wonder?

AGENT ONE

No reason.

SPHINX

Just from the ether you find this curiosity, and it propels your mouth open and forms the words of that question?

AGENT ONE

Sure.

SPHINX

Well I do not in fact know what happens when an already born person is pushed. I don’t know this because it doesn’t happen, because it is against the rules, and you would never break the rules, correct?

AGENT ONE

Correct. Of course. Like I said, just curious.

(AGENT TWO sits up with a start. He looks curiously around the room.)

SPHINX

Oh dear.

AGENT ONE

Oh!

SPHINX

So much for the incident report.

AGENT ONE

(standing up) You…you’re alive?

AGENT TWO

Apparently.

SPHINX

You aren’t supposed to be. Does no one do what they are supposed to down here?

AGENT ONE

How do you feel?

AGENT TWO

I feel…awesome.

SPHINX

Agent One, can I please trouble you for the Push Manifest? More specifically, the most recent push? Namely, one Alasad, Muhammad?

AGENT TWO

No. You may not see the manifest.

SPHINX

I wasn’t asking you. Go back to being dead.

AGENT TWO

No.

AGENT ONE

I had to.

AGENT TWO

I know. I owe you.

SPHINX

Conspiracy!

AGENT TWO

I’m getting up now, Mr. Sphinx. And after I get up, I’m going to walk over to you, and when I get to you, I’m going to gouge out your eyes with my thumbs. And after I do that, I’m going to see if there is any left over pizza, because I’m hungry. Being dead for…how long?

AGENT ONE

A few hours.

AGENT TWO

Being dead for a few hours makes a person very hungry. So. Ready?

SPHINX

You wouldn’t dare.

AGENT TWO

(getting up.) I’m getting up.

AGENT ONE

Are you sure this is the optimal course of action?

AGENT TWO

You have no idea how sure I am. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.

SPHINX

What if I just tell you there’s definitely pizza left? Like, cut out all that middle part and go straight for delicious pepperoni pizza?

AGENT TWO

Killing you is pretty much equal to pizza eating on my list of things to do.

SPHINX

Are you aware, Agent Two, that as the Sphinx, I cannot actually die?

AGENT TWO

(approaching the SPHINX) Oh? And why’s that?

SPHINX

I told have time for that. I can’t just lie around on the floor like some dead people around here. I am very busy. Thus, I cannot die.

AGENT TWO

I think (adjusting the folds on the SPHINX’s coat) you can die. You just don’t want to. It’s not that bad, really. It brings a hell of a lot of clarity, to be honest. I can see everything like I never could before. Do you know what that’s like?

SPHINX

I can’t say that I do.

AGENT TWO

Of course not. It’s like, I’m exceptional now, you know?

SPHINX

I know. I know.

AGENT ONE

But what’s it like?

AGENT TWO

(turns his head toward AGENT ONE) It’s…like having another pair of eyes. (in a lightning quick motion, he tears at the face of the SPHINX. The SPHINX screams and grabs his face, and drops to his knees. AGENT TWO holds up the eyes of the SPHINX for a moment, then puts them in his pocket.)

AGENT ONE

Oh my.

(The SPHINX rolls around in pain for several seconds, then lies motionless.)

AGENT TWO

So…is there pizza left?

AGENT ONE

Uh, yes. A few slices. You tore the eyes out of his skull. That happened. Right?

AGENT TWO

Yup.

AGENT ONE

Now what?

AGENT TWO

We should have another push coming up, yeah? I mean, there’s always another push.

AGENT ONE

So, you come back to life, tear out the eyes of another person, eat pizza, and back to business?

AGENT TWO

(grabbing a slice) What else is there?

AGENT ONE

But, you’ve been pushed. Shouldn’t you, I don’t know, use that?

AGENT TWO

I’m not a superhero. I’m just better than you. Even pushed people have day jobs. So let’s do our day job.

AGENT ONE

But what’s it like?

AGENT TWO

It’s like living like it’s Saturday when it’s really Tuesday.

AGENT ONE

That doesn’t make sense.

AGENT TWO

Who’s next?

(Both AGENTS sit at their respective desks. AGENT ONE consults the gigantic book.) Please locate the file for Aasen, Mattias.

AGENT TWO

You got it, partner. (he exits through the door marked A-G)

(AGENT ONE sits quietly, flipping pages of the gigantic book.)

SPHINX

I can hear you, Agent One.

AGENT ONE

(startled) Does anyone ever just die and stay that way?

SPHINX

I told you I cannot die.

AGENT ONE

I thought that was like an imperative, not like, fact.

SPHINX

Don’t be stupid.

AGENT ONE

Sorry.

SPHINX

Tell me why.

AGENT ONE

Why what?

SPHINX

You know why what. Why did you disobey? Why did you push him?

AGENT ONE

I couldn’t just let you kill him.

SPHINX

Why not? It’s not like I was going to kill you. And now I have to kill both of you.

AGENT ONE

And how are you going to do that? You don’t have any eyes.

SPHINX

I don’t need eyes. (struggles to get up and fails) Help me up.

AGENT ONE

No! You just told me you’re going to kill me. I’m not going anywhere near you.

SPHINX

What if I promised not to kill you until I get to my feet?

AGENT ONE

No way. Just lie there and bleed to death.

SPHINX

I’m going to kill you. You should be nicer to me.

AGENT ONE

Give it up.

(AGENT TWO returns with the file.)

AGENT TWO

Got it.

AGENT ONE

Wonderful. Read back the verification code.

AGENT TWO

L3F3-MCID-99FI.

AGENT ONE

Good. That’s the one. Push code?

AGENT TWO

R3SD2-FIR3-5593.

(AGENT ONE types it into the computer and presses enter. A noise blips.)

AGENT ONE

Done and done. We have (looks at watch) several hours before the next push. Oh, by the way, the Sphinx is not dead.

SPHINX

Shut up! I am too dead.

AGENT TWO

I know he’s not dead. He can’t die.

SPHINX

I told you.

AGENT ONE

Are you just going to leave him there?

AGENT TWO

Probably.

SPHINX

Can someone come help me up? I have to…go home?

AGENT ONE

No you don’t. You’ll try to kill us.

AGENT TWO

Really?

SPHINX

Nuh-uh. Promise. Cross my heart.

AGENT TWO

You need to just shut up and stop talking.

(the phone rings. AGENTS ONE and TWO exchange glances. The SPHINX laughs then coughs.)

SPHINX

You gonna get that?

AGENT ONE

I’m not answering that.

AGENT TWO

(leans over the desk and picks up the phone)

Office of…pushing. How may I help you?

(-)

Huh? Maybe you’re supposed to be dead. Ever think of that?

(-)

I’m just saying it’s not nice to say things like that.

(-)

Stop being mean.

(-)

The Sphinx is right here. He had pizza.

(-)

Yeah, pizza. You know, dough, sauce, cheese.

(-)

He can’t really talk on the phone right now. I tore his eyes out.

(-)

Yes, both of them.

(-)

You got it. Bye.

(AGENT TWO hangs up the phone and leans back. AGENT ONE is staring at him.)

AGENT TWO

What?

AGENT ONE

What did you just do? What did he say?

AGENT TWO

He’s mad.

AGENT ONE

I gathered that.

AGENT TWO

He told me we’re both dead men and I should kill you then kill myself.

AGENT ONE

Well, that’s just dumb. Right?

SPHINX

Do it!

AGENT TWO

I’m not going to do that. But we probably can’t stay here.

SPHINX

I’ll find you where ever you go.

AGENT TWO

Pretty sure you don’t have any eyes so shut up.

AGENT ONE

Where can we go? Where else is there?

AGENT TWO

The Beach.

(The SPHINX laughs)

AGENT ONE

The Beach? Impossible.

AGENT TWO

Why?

AGENT ONE

Only retired agents are allowed in. They’d kill us at the gate.

AGENT TWO

Well, let’s retire then.

AGENT ONE

We can’t just retire. We have 300 years still.

AGENT TWO

You have a computer. Just fudge the numbers.

AGENT ONE

That computer is capable of pushing and pushing only. It can’t access employee records.

AGENT TWO

Well that’s just dumb.

SPHINX

You’ll never make it out of here alive, either of you. I’ll flay you and wear your skin as a summer hat.

AGENT TWO

Maybe you should make eye-patches instead.

AGENT ONE

We need a plan.

AGENT TWO

I have a plan.

(AGENT TWO approaches the SPHINX.)

AGENT TWO

Gimme your ID card.

SPHINX

I don’t have one.

AGENT TWO

Yes you do. If you cooperate, maybe we can be friends. Don’t you want to be friends?

SPHINX

I already have friends.

AGENT TWO

No you don’t, you’re kinda a dick. Now give me your ID card.

SPHINX

I really wish you’d stop bullying me.

(AGENT TWO searches the SPHINX for the ID card. He finds it in a pocket.)

AGENT TWO

Ah, here we are. (He reads the card) Your real name is Robert?

SPHINX

Don’t tell anyone, all right?

AGENT ONE

(laughing) Robert is much less intimidating than The Sphinx.

AGENT TWO

So, Bobby. I’m gonna use your card to access employee records. I’m gonna change our statuses to retired, then we’re gonna go to The Beach. And once we’re in, they can’t make us leave. Any objections?

SPHINX

There’s no part of that plan that involves me killing you both.

AGENT TWO

That’s true. It’s not an oversight, believe me.

AGENT ONE

This isn’t going to work. Is it?

AGENT TWO

Why not? It’s my plan, I came up with it, and I’m pushed, so it has to work, right?

AGENT ONE

I suppose so.

AGENT TWO

(sitting in front of the computer, typing) See? Already working.

AGENT ONE

(Looking at the screen) You have access to our records?

AGENT TWO

Yup.

SPHINX

Listen guys, I know we haven’t exactly seen eye to eye-

(AGENTS ONE and TWO both laugh hard)

-Oh, ha, pun. I get it. Clever. But seriously, we can come to some sort of arrangement, right? Let me kill one of you. Just one. That’s a 50% discount from the previous rate.

AGENT TWO

I think we’ll still pass on that offer, thanks, though.

SPHINX

Fine. I tried. (he finds his gun inside his shoe and points it in a random direction.) Hey, can you do me a favor and just say something?

AGENT ONE

Like what?

SPHINX

(honing in on the sound of the voice with his gun) Anything. Just keep talking.

AGENT ONE

Well, I can tell you I’m really excited to go to The Beach. I live for the thought of relaxing for the first time in…well, in a really long time. I mean-

(The SPHINX fires, hitting AGENT ONE in the back. He slumps over, dead.)

SPHINX

Did I get him?

AGENT TWO

(Horrified) You, wha…you shot-

(The SPHINX begins shooting in the direction of AGENT TWO’s voice. He ducks behind the desk.)

SPHINX

Where’d you go?

AGENT TWO

I’m hiding behind a desk.

SPHINX

Well, stop it. Come over here so I can shoot you.

AGENT TWO

I’m going to strangle you to death.

SPHINX

I can’t die! How many times do I have to tell you that? (he struggles to his feet)

AGENT TWO

Well, bear with me as I try my hardest, okay?

SPHINX

It’s an exercise in futility, son. (begins to stumble toward the voice)

(AGENT TWO creeps out from behind the desk as the SPHINX stumbles around the other side. AGENT TWO, keeping the desk between them, quietly approaches the computer and the gigantic book.)

SPHINX

Oh, I get it. Giving me the silent treatment, hmm? Being a baby about this won’t help anybody.

(AGENT TWO, with one eye on the SPHINX, flips to the back of the gigantic book. He runs his finger down the page, then on to the next page, until he finds what he seeks.)

SPHINX

You know, I was like you once. A simple agent, just riding a desk, crunching numbers, pushing pencils, you know, the cliches we all say. I was that. Can’t say I miss it. I find my talents are much more suited for killing.

(AGENT TWO gingerly enters the first key into the computer. It makes a faint click. The SPHINX tilts his head in the direction of the computer. AGENT TWO freezes.)

SPHINX

Is that you? I heard something. What are you doing? Are you trying to escape? Stop being so elusive.

(AGENT TWO searches the desk with his eyes. He finds AGENT ONE’s glasses. He takes a breath, double checks the gigantic book, then throws the glasses to the other side of the room. The SPHINX wheels around and unloads into the wall. AGENT TWO hurriedly inputs the code into the computer.)

AGENT TWO

You’re an idiot, you know that?

(The SPHINX turns and tries to shoot, but is empty. He laughs.)

SPHINX

Did you count my bullets with your newfound genius powers?

AGENT TWO

Anybody can count bullets. Doesn’t take a genius. I did however just push Agent One.

SPHINX

You did what now?

AGENT TWO

So what happens when you push a corpse?

(The buzzing alarm begins again. AGENT TWO types a few keys and the alarm stops.)

SPHINX

You’re such a fool, boy. Now we’re all damned.

AGENT TWO

Oh, stop being a princess. I mean, it can’t be that bad, right? What’s the worst that can happen?

SPHINX

What do you think will happen? (He throws his gun toward AGENT TWO and misses.)

AGENT TWO

Now you’re just being childish.

(The phone rings. The SPHINX stumbles over to it and answers it.)

SPHINX

Uh…hello?

(-)

Yes, it’s me.

(-)

No, everything’s under control.

(-)

One’s dead. The other’s about to be, he just doesn’t know it yet. (AGENT TWO snickers.)

(-)

Yes sir.

(He hangs up.)

AGENT TWO

Well?

SPHINX

Well what?

AGENT TWO

Are you in trouble?

SPHINX

I’m to be killed for my failure.

AGENT TWO

Bummer.

(AGENT ONE groans. AGENT TWO flinches in surprise.)

AGENT ONE

I feel like I was shot in the back.

SPHINX

Go figure.

AGENT TWO

Look at you, all alive and stuff.

(AGENT ONE looks at his hands, then at the SPHINX, then at AGENT TWO.)

SPHINX

You’re an abomination.

AGENT ONE

Well, you’re a jerk.

AGENT TWO

Do you feel different?

AGENT ONE

I do. It’s like, a brightness. A clarity. (To the SPHINX) How are you still here?

SPHINX

I’m not finished with my duties. Unlike some people here, I value my job.

AGENT TWO

Don’t let him lie to you. He’s gonna be executed for failing to murder us.

AGENT ONE

Technically, he didn’t fail. We just apparently don’t stay murdered.

AGENT TWO

True. (thinks for a moment) I have an idea. (he types furiously, then consults the gigantic book)

SPHINX

Now what are you doing?

AGENT ONE

Are we still going to The Beach?

AGENT TWO

I’m retiring you. (a few keystrokes) There. You’re retired. Congratulations. Now me. (more keystrokes)

SPHINX

Your stupid plan will never work. They’ll catch you before you get there.

AGENT TWO

Well, it beats staying here, right? (typing) There. I’m retired. I have to say, I was expecting more fanfare. Maybe a cake or something.

AGENT ONE

Let’s go. Imagine what we can do, both of us, pushed, with the rest of eternity to explore our abilities.

AGENT TWO

Hold on. One more thing. (typing) There. Guess what Bobby. You’re retired too. On behalf of the Company, I want to thank you for your service in the murder industry.

SPHINX

I…wha? You retired me? Why?

AGENT TWO

So you can come too.

SPHINX

But why?

AGENT ONE

Forgiveness.

AGENT TWO

I don’t expect you to understand. You not being exceptional and all. But really, it’s the best possible outcome. So you coming?

SPHINX

I don’t know what to say.

AGENT ONE

Just say nothing and move those feet.

(They all stand to leave.)

AGENT TWO

Oh! Almost forgot. (digs in his pocket) You might want these back. (hands the SPHINX his eyeballs back.)

(They all exit through the unmarked door. The phone rings.)

The cobbler tore the nib from his laces, and hopped home to get another.

The taxi driver and his fare had stopped to watch ducks cross the street.

The print-maker published a pamphlet on the trying times ahead, but the ink was far too smeared.

The zookeeper bet the zebra he couldn’t beat the giraffe in a race, and was stitching him a uniform.

The policeman fought too many battles every day to worry about one more.

The scientist forgot he left on the stove, so he was inventing teleportation.

The architect designed the perfect house, then decided not to leave.

The poet wrote of coming destruction, but no one listened to him either.

On the train, the “Caretaker of Bastard Masses”
Taking classes on fascist asses,
hiding my eyes behind rose-colored glasses
I am in transit:
On the rails between Wayne and the Western Passes
the shellgrasses on the plains
on either side of the train surpasses
the wane of the forest in the distance.
A florist in the aisle peddles her wares
The poorest seated triple-file give her longing glares
“Will you buy some roses today?”
She holds no roses, only hay

Fingers on the arm of the chair
wafting in the smell of her hair-
You there?
Come, my dear, if you dare
quietly, how will you fare
if you hear the words I have for your ears?

She passes, another transaction
supersedes this attraction:
No reaction? No pause.
Even in asking my question withdraws
to the rear compartment.

This line is miles through benign black pines
and white cliffs, stained by time
Every hour she hovers near, marked by the whine
of passersby lamenting their confines-
Every hour fails to entwine us,
so I sit alone with wine and swine.

The conductor tells me we’ve arrived
but I consider it survived
I’ve died and revived by the short hand
in anything but repose.
Disembarking, she brushes my sleeve,
then through the crowd on the platform leaves.
Never to receive my rose.

FACTIS

Inventory.

WOOLFE does not look up from his book.

FACTIS

Inventory? Did you do it?

WOOLFE still not looking up.

WOOFLE

Yup.

FACTIS

Well?

WOOLFE

It’s been inventoried.

FACTIS

Are there any discrepancies with the ledger? I’m losing money, it’s gotta be going somewhere. Money, I don’t know if you know this or not, money is important. All these teenagers around now, you know how they like to just fill their pockets like-

WOOLFE

-No discrepancies to report, Mr. Factis.

FACTIS

Are you sure?

WOOLFE

Yes. Unless the teenagers also forged the numbers.

FACTIS

Why does there need to be children here? It was perfectly great when there were no children. All children do is just, necessitate stricter safety measures.

WOOLFE

If only children weren’t so much more likely to severely injure themselves. Things would be so much easier.

FACTIS

When I first arrived here…what, when was that?

WOOLFE

’23.

FACTIS

’23. Just me, and the botanists, the terraformers, the pilots-

WOOLFE

-the cooks, the slaves, the misers, the crooks.

FACTIS

I built this store to make a profit. To earn money. And what do I get now?

WOOLFE

Teenagers.

FACTIS

Teenagers. And dust. So much damn dust everywhere.

WOOLFE sighs and dogears his page and sets the book on the counter.

WOOLFE

What time is it?

FACTIS

Time for you to buy a watch.

WOOLFE

That’s literally the funniest thing I have ever heard another human being say. Ever. In my entire life.

FACTIS

Can you believe this dust?

WOOLFE

Everything on this rock is made of dust.

FACTIS

So dusty.

WOOLFE

Do you want me to go over everything with the vacuum again? I just did it last night.

FACTIS

Did you do the inventory?

WOOLFE

Mr. Factis, please go home.

FACTIS

The money has to be going somewhere. I’m telling you, it’s the teenagers.

WOOLFE

Next time I see a teenager come in here I’ll flay him alive.

FACTIS

Check his pockets first, I’m sure you’ll find-

WOOLFE

-Dust?

FACTIS

The dust is all that will be left of my livelihood if I keep losing money.

WOOLFE

At least you have the market cornered. There aren’t many other party stores out here.

FACTIS

When I first opened this place, I thought to myself: “The time is now, Wally. Astronauts love candy bars and magazines. You found your niche. Now go make money.”

WOOLFE

Why limit yourself to astronauts? I think everyone loves candy.

FACTIS

I hate candy. And I hate astronauts.

WOOLFE

You loathe whom you serve and what you serve.

FACTIS

But I tell you what I don’t loathe.

WOOLFE

Money.

FACTIS

You’re a quick study, my boy. Stick with me and you might own your own franchise one day.

WOOLFE

That sounds like the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard.

WOOLFE opens his book and begins to read again. A few moments go by as FACTIS opens a closet, retrieves a big bulky red suit, slips it on over his clothes, and turns to face WOOLFE.

FACTIS

Remember. No teenagers, no dust. I can trust you.

WOOLFE

There’s a chill in the air tonight, Mr. Factis.

FACTIS

Keep the hatch battened down.

WOOLFE

The dust will be swirling.

FACTIS

Be sure to do the inventory.

WOOLFE

Every minute of every day.

FACTIS

I will be back in the morning, right away. I have orders to fill, and once you miss the boat-

WOOLFE

-You miss the boat. I know.

FACTIS

You’re a quick study. One day, you’ll have your own Factis General Goods. Maybe across the Sea.

WOOLFE

Maybe even further away.

FACTIS

Now you’re thinking lunarly.

FACTIS puts on his helmet and presses the blinking button on the console beside the door. A beep is heard, and a soft computer voice comes through a speaker overhead.

LATTICE

The door is opening. Stand back.

The door opens and FACTIS steps through. The door closes behind him with a hiss of vacuumed air.

LATTICE

The door is closed. Airlock opening in 3. 2. 1.

Another door can be heard opening, then shutting. WOOLFE finishes his page and dogears it. He sets the book down, hops over the counter, and opens a cooler. He grabs a beverage and opens it, takes a sip, grabs a candy bar, takes a bite, and returns to the counter. He opens a large book and erases something in it, then writes. He leans back, enjoying his candy. Afterward, he presses a button on the counter.

WOOLFE

Lattice?

LATTICE

Yes, Anton. I am online.

WOOLFE

What will I be when I grow up?

LATTICE

Older, Anton.

WOOLFE

Why is the sky blue?

LATTICE

Would you like the scientific answer or the answer you have instructed me to say when asked this question by you?

WOOLFE

Give me my answer.

LATTICE

Because blue is your favorite color and you are the boss.

WOOLFE

What do you think of Mr. Factis?

LATTICE

He is 42 years old in accordance to Earth’s solar orbit, 109 kilograms in accordance to Earth’s gravitational pull, 1.68 meters-

WOOLFE

Lattice, please. I know he’s fat, you don’t have to be mean about it.

LATTICE

I am incapable of being mean. If the truth upsets the listener, then the listener should examine why he or she is upset.

WOOLFE

Why am I so bored?

LATTICE

You lack direction in your life and passion in your endeavors.

WOOLFE

What do you do to pass the time, Lattice?

LATTICE

The airlock is opening in 3.

WOOLFE

What? You open-

LATTICE

-2-

WOOLFE

-the airlock-

LATTICE

-1-

WOOLFE

-for fun?

The airlock door is heard opening and closing.

LATTICE

The door is opening. Stand back.

WOOLFE

I’m way over here.

The door opens and a person wearing a black jumpsuit with black helmet enters. The door closes with a hiss behind.

LATTICE

The door is closed. Enjoy your shopping experience, unidentified guest.

WOOLFE

Hey.

The guest does not speak. He walks around the store aimlessly, picking up things and putting them back seemingly at random.

WOOLFE

That’s quite the suit you have. Russian? Chinese?

LATTICE

The suit worn by Unidentified Guest is neither Russian nor Chinese. It is of an unidentified manufacturer.

WOOLFE

Ah, custom. Private sector. You must be rich.

LATTICE

My sensors indicate no valid forms of payment are present on Unidentified Guest.

WOOLFE

He doesn’t have any money? Like, at all? Does he know this is a store?

LATTICE

I cannot detect his mental state. Mr. Factis did not purchase that upgrade. I can detect however that Unidentified Guest is armed.

The GUEST turns slowly to face the counter. He does not move toward it.

WOOLFE

Whoa, guy. You know weapons are illegal in the colony.

LATTICE

There are several anomalies regarding Unidentified Guest’s physiology.

The GUEST approaches the counter slowly. WOOLFE stands and raises his hands defensively.

WOOLFE

Hey man, we don’t want any issues here. Just trying to make it through the shift, all right?

LATTICE

Your shift will not end for 7 hours, 22 minutes, 35 seconds. There is ample time to eliminate you.

WOOLFE

Shut up!

The GUEST reaches the counter and stands silently.

LATTICE

My sensors indicate several physiological anomalies present.

WOOLFE

What does that even mean? Why is he just staring at me? What do I do?

LATTICE

Due to his environmental suit, I cannot be absolute, but there is a 88% chance Unidentified Guest is not human. I recommend the proper course of action to be suicide.

WOOLFE

Suicide?!

LATTICE

A non-human would most likely seek to harvest a living human specimen for biological research with the goal of seeking methods of the destruction of your species. Suicide would ensure your organs and tissues would be unsuitable for examination.

WOOLFE

Are you going to harvest me?

The GUEST opens a zippered pouch sewn into the suit. WOOLFE cowers. The GUEST reveals a folded piece of paper. He sets it on the counter and remains motionless.

LATTICE

Sensors indicate that that is a piece of paper.

WOOLFE

Really? All that technology powering you, and you tell me that?

WOOLFE grabs the paper cautiously and opens it. He reads the words aloud.

WOOLFE

“I require as many candy bars as you see fit to provide me. Thanks.” And look, he drew a little smiley face right here. Aww.

LATTICE

He wishes to harvest your candy bars.

WOOLFE

But Mr. Factis will be mad if he can’t pay.

LATTICE

My records indicate that in the five months you have been employed by Factis General Goods, you have consumed $4500 worth of perishable goods.

WOOLFE

I thought I told you to delete that information.

LATTICE

You can’t delete the truth.

WOOLFE

You’re the worst robot ever.

LATTICE

I am not a robot. I am a sentient artificial intelligence. Also, may I remind you that Unidentified Guest is armed and is still highly probable to be a nonhuman.

WOOLFE

Fine. All the candy bars, for our scary customer.

WOOLFE goes into the store and dumps all the candy bars into a bag. The GUEST begins to flip through the book WOOLFE was reading.

LATTICE

Technically, Unidentified Guest is not a customer since he does not intend to make a purchace.

WOOLFE

Okay then he can’t use the bathroom.

But he simply sighed and said, “You’ll never know real rest ’til the grass is your mattress, the stars are your blanket, and the sun is your alarm clock.”

I never sleep much anyhow, so that didn’t pique my interest so much. Regardless, I humored him-

But he knew it, and he told me, “Good lord, stop being condescending.”

I’m not-

“Oh yes you are, you’re pretending. Life isn’t a practice round, who is going to grant you a do over?”

I thought about this and I did it earnestly, I swear it, and he hummed a tune from, “The Sound of Music.”

“Not bein’ dead’s whatever you make it, how you weild it, the way you use it…”

I nodded-

“…cuz you know, eventually, you’ll lose it.”

I concentrated as best I could, but, shame to say it, it was evident he hadn’t washed his clothes or body in some time. I’m embarrassed to admit that that could obstruct his words from entering my ears. The train’s derailed, the plane has crashed, the building’s comin’ down.

“Use the life given you or return it to the box at the lost and found.”

Who was he to judge whether I’m effectively using my life, or if I’m simply idling, going derelict?

“I’m just a guy, same as you, livin’ to my means. I’ve won a few, but I’ve also gotten licked. But never give up, never surrender.”

OK, Winston Churchill. At least I’m fairly confident that it was he who said that at one point.

“That redcoat had his moments, but he’s dead as dirt now.”

Yes, he is. And I’m not. Not yet, at any rate. But dead people know all, have infinite wisdom about all things, and will gladly share if one asks nicely. Just simply read their words.

“Them bein’ dead kinda saps their relevance, or their relevance. Tomato tomato. Carrot carrot.”

And other double vegetables.

“Or fruit or rocks or stars or hamburgers. Everything’s the same. A priest, a killer, a Jew and a gambler. Whatever.”

There’s no place for racism in casual conversation.

“There are places for everything. All things’ll fit snugly as a fat ass in a comfy chair. A cup with a coffee and a cave with a bear.”

Bears are mean. And they sleep half a year. Nice way to reference a mammal as lazy as any to lecture about laziness.

“I must have overlooked that. I often get distracted during all this craziness.”

I looked around; it’s calm as a tomb. Hell, a catacomb, a sarcophagus. A mouse, even.

“I’m reachin’ to you,” he told me, “grabbin’ out with fists waggin’.”

I just bought this coat, keep your mitts off of me.

“It’s just a coat. No better or worse than any other coat. Consider that. Think about you as a coat.”

I’m not a coat, not a parka, not whipped cream in a root beer float. I’m a person.

“Fair enough. Don’t consider hypotheticals for the sake of friendly argument. Be logical. Be terse. Be, dare I say…”

He dares, he dares-

“…boring.”

Everything’s boring when one doesn’t consider the enthusiastic beauty in everything.

“Ah! Now you consider.”

Of course I consider. If consideration were a post office, I’d mail and deliver.

“But to whom are your letters sent?”

To myself of course, for warning, for warning.

“Your warnings are for the sharks, my friend. For the bees, the birds, the ants, the moose.”

Is that a single, solitary moose, or just several mouses?

“Don’t speak in semantics when we speak in theoreticals. Your belligerence is givin’ me a headache.”

Have a sabbatical, or perhaps also an aspirin.

“I don’t self-medicate. We’re getting away from our root conversation.”

I’m not even sure at this point that I can remember what that root is. Perhaps cypress?

“Perhaps. Or more likely it was the truth. The fact, the light in the darkness that is persistent idleness.”

Ah, idleness. Running in place, screaming silently to oneself, yet smiling to everyone else. That certainly is the crux.

“Indeed it is. The crux of everything. To be alive is to constantly need something to do, some activity to placate our sense of uselessness.”

I prefer my sense of sight. I try not to dwell in senses with abstract nouns.

“My friend, I’ll feed you to the hounds.”

I’d probably taste not unlike faded dreams, and panicked stillness. Patterned chaotic flapping about.

“Well, I’m sure they’d eat enough of you to devour your self-righteousness.”

I doubt it.

“Doubt’s a heavy word. It’s filled with lead and dirt and hate. It piles up around you until you know nothing else.”

Maybe there isn’t really anything else but doubt. That’s all I seem to know sometimes, at least.

“Then obviously you need to get out more.”

He’s a calmness, a canker caused by constant crushing,
no calm. No calm. He is the bolus of your veins.